Forgiveness

I recently met with my pastor over my legal troubles and some of the fallout that had hurt others. We had a great conversation and I genuinely felt better. In the process of telling the government everything I knew I inadvertently hurt others.  I was told by my lawyer that most of the questions the FBI would ask me they already knew the answers. So, I knew I had to tell them the truth. As I mentioned in the past, I signed a proffer with the government that stated I would tell them the truth about everything. In doing so, I brought hurt to someone who didn’t deserve it. Of course, the news and the want-a-be Facebook reporters took the information and embellished it to make a bigger deal out of it. I did reach out to the person via email. However, I did not get a reply, but the pastor told me he spoke to the person, and he said he had forgiven me. What a relief this has been on my psyche! I can remember a time when the self-centered Michael would care less. I am so happy that old Michael is dead. During my meeting with the pastor, he asked me, “Has God forgiven you of your transgressions?” Without hesitation, I said, “Yes!” After our meeting, I have given more thought to God forgiving me. I hadn’t realized what that truly meant in my life. Yes, I did some things that have led to my demise with the government, but I have been forgiven by God. That is what has given me peace and the ability to patiently wait for my sentencing. It hasn’t been anything I have done it’s been all God. Psalms 37: 7,9 states, “Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; but those who wait on the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.” It took me a while to understand these verses completely. But I think it references us hurting ourselves when we choose to hang on to unforgiveness because of past hurts and pain. As I have worked on trusting God and doing good, abiding in Him, and consuming His word I have entrusted my whole self, life, and worries to Him. It took me more than 3 years to do this. It was hard for me to give up my ability to be in control. But man, what a relief. He has given me the refuge I needed. As I have entrusted God, I have come to realize if I live in the past, I am essentially killing my future. Unfortunately, I am also killing my wife’s future. Lord knows this is the last person on earth I want to hurt anymore. No matter how much I want to change my past, I can’t. I can only leverage its lessons for the rest of my life. I decided sometime back that I would not let this bad snapshot in my life become a monument in my life. I think that is why God has given me peace.

During my meeting with my pastor, he told me to get into the word and study the word “forgiveness.” The Bible speaks a lot about the word forgiveness. For instance, Ephesians 1:7 states, “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.” Jesus paid our ransom to God for the release of us from bondage. Christ’s sacrifice on the cross paid that price for every person enslaved by sin buying us out of the slave market of iniquity. His price was death. As a result, for the believer, the ultimate price was paid in full by Christ. This is what we call Grace. Grace is the ability to become a child of God because God provided a free way to know Him by faith. What a price! What if we had to give something of such great value to have someone to forgive us? Would you even give a toe or finger to seek forgiveness? I don’t have that ability in me. A perfect man paid the awful price for our sins, and it seems we cannot take the time to reevaluate someone’s feelings and forgive them for a transgression against us. Boy, we are a selfish breed! I know when I suffer a grievous hurt my inner world is badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than my turmoil or pain. I have forgiven a lot of people to set myself free. Yes, to set me FREE. It doesn’t mean I have forgotten about the hurt, but I had to let it go to move forward. I found feeding the anger or resentment I only was hurting myself. Forgiving people doesn’t necessarily come easily, but it is possible to achieve if we are willing to put in the effort. Sometimes this means extending mercy to those who have harmed us, even if they don’t deserve it. Through my issues, I have had several close people who have hurt me. Why? I really don’t know. It took me a while to forgive them in my heart. In doing so, I have been able to increase my self-esteem and it gave me a sense of strength and safety. It has helped with my depression, anxiety, and unhealthy anger. By forgiving people I have been able to identify what kind of pain I have and acknowledge it. This Blog has been a great escape for me to identify things that have bothered me. Which served as a roadblock in my life that prevented me from growing. Did you know the hardest person for me to forgive has been me? Yes. I hated myself for so many years it took a lot for me to forgive myself. I have come to realize that before I could forgive anyone, I had to forgive myself and seek God’s forgiveness. Once I mastered God’s forgiveness my forgiveness was easier to receive than without Him. This opened my heart to start forgiving other people who harmed me. The key I have found is forgiveness without boundaries. We don’t like boundaries on ourselves so why would we say I will forgive them if they do this or that? This is nothing more than an excuse not to forgive. I implore you today to forgive others because there is freedom where we are no longer shackled by our own anger. It is hard work. But letting go of the fantasies that we can change the past or others is peaceful. Each time we forgive, it paves the way for the next time we need to forgive. Practicing courage and patience and letting the Lord into the process of forgiveness becomes like exercising a muscle, it only can grow stronger. Friends from my experience I can tell you with God forgiveness becomes intuitive. Man, what a blessed way to live. After all, Christ has given you a way of being forgiven for everything bad you have ever done. Why can’t you forgive a person? Are you too prideful? Or, just too stubborn? C.S. Lewis wrote, “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” It may be time to swallow that pride and forgive that person or better yet yourself.