Wandering Sheep

I grew up a Baptist and as the years have passed, I have learned a lot about other religions.  By no means do I claim one religion is better than the other.  But I feel the Catholics have figured out something most of us have rarely experienced.  That is telling someone your faults.  I am not saying I agree with why they do it, but the ability to pour your heart out to another individual to gain insight and relieve the burden you may be carrying has to be a great sigh of relief.  While most of us bury our sins and transgressions deep within our psyche, praying they never come to the light of day.  What would it be like to discuss what is worrying you and free yourself from that burden?  Would it be embarrassing?  Would it hurt others?  My life has unfolded in public like an open book.  I have had so much business and personal information about me blasted in print, tv, and social media I have gotten to the point of oh well.  Some of it has been accurate, but it has been so hard to lay still and listen to lies or half-truths.  I have been grasping my faith more and more each day.  Journaling and writing for this blog have helped me understand myself and deal with the things being displayed in public. In a way, all the information that has been put out has taken away a lot of my fear of “what if” someone finds out about something, or I hope Ms. Jones doesn’t see that lie.  Owning up to the things I am guilty of has made me a better person.  James 5:16 states, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.  The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”  I wonder if that is where the Catholics got part of that from.  I don’t know.  But I can tell you it does help with the heavy loads we carry. 

This Blog has been a new awakening in my life.  I feel liberated stating my mistakes.  Is it hard to share them with you?  Absolutely! Think about it, who in their right mind wants the whole world to know that they may be going to prison?  I believe in atoning for the things I have done wrong but waiting now for 3.5 years for a verdict has been torture.  Not only for me but for my family as well.  As I wrote in an earlier article, patience has not been one of my virtues.  But God has humbled me to understand that it is alright not to be in control.  By trusting him, I know I will be taken care of in the future.  It’s been hard for me to let go of things and give them to him, but there is no other way.  Recently, I have done some studying on the word sloth.  Proverbs 19:15 states, “Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep: and an idle soul shall suffer hunger.” I feel the biblical definition could be framed meaning it is a sin of omission, being a lack of desire and/or performance.  Not to take the tools God has given me for the betterment of his kingdom.  What do you do with the tools or gifts God has given you?  Well, I have been volunteering at church when I can.  That has been a great blessing for me.  I ran into a childhood friend the other day when I went back home.  He was discussing with my cousin the start of a new church he is a part of in Alabama.  I thought wow that is a great use of his time serving not only God but the community.  I enjoy working with our church, but the downfall I have come across is it’s so large that the opportunities are few when you factor in all the other people who want to donate their time.  So, I decided I was going to dig deeper.  I started calling other nonprofits.  I was extremely surprised at the number of nonprofits that do not use volunteers.  I did find one that I have been helping every week now, it is the Panama City Rescue Mission.  I spoke to the CEO and explained my situation to him, and he wants to use my working experience and education to possibly do things in the future.  But he didn’t have anything at this time so he could put my gifts to work.  So, I have been signing up and feeding the homeless.  I have come to realize we make some of our issues out to be more than they are compared to these people they are mere pebbles in a stream.  These people that come through the line to get served a hot meal are some of the most respectful and thankful people I have ever dealt with.  I have caught myself thinking my situation is bad but is it to the point I have no job, no food, no shelter, and being evaluated by most people as a community burden?  In business, I have always believed in transformational leadership to run an organization.  Transformational leadership is a leadership approach that causes a change in individuals and social systems.  Focusing on transforming others to support each other and the organization.  As I have been volunteering, I have been displaying more of a servant leadership approach.  Servant leadership is based on the idea that leaders prioritize serving the greater good.  Once again, serving the people around them and the organization first instead of my objectives.  I have always believed in servant leadership, but I don’t feel I have used it like God has intended for me to display.  I thoroughly believe God wants us to serve in capacities that may seem basic to us to humble us.  There was a time I would have thought feeding the needy was beneath me.  I would rather pay someone else to take my place.  Well, I don’t have the money to have that luxury anymore and that is not the person I want to be.  Today, I yearn for that opportunity.  I am so glad God has shown me the sloth character I did have is not what I was placed on earth to do.  I am so blessed not to be a spectator anymore I am involved. 

Sometimes good people make bad decisions that have lasting effects on them and their families.  I feel I am a good person and yes, I made some bad decisions that have derailed my life.  But I am not going to allow those bad decisions to dictate the rest of my life.  As I learned to lean more on God and a lot less on Michael things in my life have become easier.  The situation hasn’t changed.  I am still facing prison time, but the calmness I have in my life about that situation is remarkable.  The more I have given to God and let him fight the battle the less I have had to worry about.  I know he will take care of me and my family. It’s funny I used to never speak to God in the past unless I needed a favor.  Wow?  That is selfish.  How many times have I tried to bargain with God?  God, please give me this and I will change.  Only to find me in the same rut two weeks later.  Today, I pray a lot.  I not only ask God to remove things from my life, make me a better person, and protect my family, but I also thank him for all the blessings he has bestowed on my life.  I was meditating the other day about my situation.  He pointed out the blessing in my situation He wanted me to see.  God needed me to change and as I reflect on my past, I see the three or four earth-shattering circumstances I went through where he was trying to get my attention.  He was warning me.  I ignored it.  Today, I am wide awake and blessed to be back in his flock.  In 2 Corinthians Paul tells the people God is going to deliver them but the way it was going to happen is through prayers.  When I ask someone to pray for me, I want them to pray for me.  I want all the good things that I can receive from God’s hand.  I suggest you do the same.  God uses prayer as the vehicle to give us favor.  Isn’t it great when someone asks you to pray for them and the prayers are answered?  It’s like wow.  Praying for someone is beneficial for you and me.  He delivers by answering your prayer and showing me the power of prayer.  I am not saying it is the outcome you are seeking, but it’s the outcome God has for our lives.  As a Christian, I have noticed spiritual people go through tough times in their life. It doesn’t shield us completely from bad things, but it gives us hope for tomorrow.

As I go through my journey, I have come to realize the difference between shame and humility.  Shame is the process where we beat ourselves up and become regretful for the things, we have done that are wrong.  It identifies me as a person, someone undeserving of love. Humility is the ability to become neutral and understand what is taking place.  Furthermore, it can be described as rightfully being loved despite who you are. God has given me humility.  He had to bring to light my transgressions, shame me in my own eyes, and give me the humility to understand he is changing my life.  I never felt dirtier than when I tried to defend myself.  It is not our battle it is God’s.  I have come to realize not to question in the day what God has shone in the light.  I have been knocked down, but I have not been knocked out.  I have acknowledged my wrong, but I refuse to wallow in it.  This struggle has taught me I must show people I am not good with my current state.  It is easy to get used to the dark.  I did for about 2.5 years.  I didn’t go anywhere or talk to anyone.  I was so miserable.  Not until I gave everything to God did, I get any peace.  It was ultimately up to me to bring things to light.  I had to realize that even though it seemed my prayers were not being answered God was still present.  I feel sometimes God places us on a shelf but never sidelines us.  He does this to use us for the greater good.  We are so blessed to have God and we can never praise him enough. 

I mentioned earlier about my trying to make deals with God in the past.  You do this for me, and I will change.  That’s not the way it works. It has taken me a while to understand it’s not the promises I make to God, but the promises God gives us.  We are not the promise keeper God is!  God doesn’t take things away from me, I must give them to him.  I always wanted to have God more present in my life, but I was unwilling to empty all the other things that had me full.  God got my attention and emptied me.  I lost my career and many parts of my life.  It left me with the only decision I felt I had which was to follow him.  Now, he has filled me with so much love and changed things I thought were programmed in me for years.  Last Sunday, I heard a great sermon about the shepherd leaving 99 sheep to go find 1.  Why does God in the parable found in Matthew 18:10-14 refer us to sheep?  Why not a lion, a tiger, or an elephant?  Did you know sheep are dumb?  They have no sense of direction.  They can wander off and lie down and since their body is made mostly of water, they try to get up but fall on their back.  They will eventually lie there and die unless someone sets them up.  I am a sheep.  I would fall and lay there until God picked me up only to wander off again.  I once again would call on God to help me and he would set me back up.  What happens to a sheep that continues wandering off and finds itself laying on its back?  The shepherd breaks their leg.  What does this do?  It forces the sheep to stay close to the shepherd and depend on him.  I was that sheep I kept wandering off and God finally broke my leg.  Little did I know what a glorious day that was.  I am so glad God is my shepherd and I will stay close to him forever.  No matter what struggles or strife that comes along in my life. No one can put an end to me, but the one that gave me life.