Living A Life That Matters

No one is immune to making mistakes. We are human. But, if we simply apologize and continue as before, we are in danger of committing those same mistakes again. When we do not learn from our mistakes, we inflict unnecessary stress on ourselves and more importantly on those we love. Making mistakes allows you to learn what you value and what you like, what you do not want, and what you do not need. When you shift your mindset, there are only lessons, not mistakes giving you a chance to make things better. I fall short many times especially when it relates to making mistakes that affect my wife. I keep doing the same things over and over, expecting different results. That sounds more like the definition of insanity. For example, I can wait an hour or two for a fish to bite, but I cannot seem to give my wife 30 minutes to get ready. Does this make sense? At the time, I thought I was right, and I was superior and should not have to wait on anyone. Gosh, I am so wrong. No wonder my selfishness acts like this causes strife and tempers to flare. Why? It is simple I let trivial things dictate my behavior which causes stress to the situation and unrest. My wife has been so supportive of me, and it is a flaw of mine not to seek to understand and give her the respect she rightfully deserves. It seems I allow my bad habits to steal my joy and those around me.  The inability at times to communicate effectively with my wife is something I struggle with a lot. It is like I am programmed that as soon as the conversation gets out of my control, I say something or display noncommunicational cues that make the situation go south in a hurry. I am ashamed of this character flaw. Not taking ownership of my actions causes more strife and makes the ability to openly communicate harder. I feel some of my rude habits are from my childhood experiences and I chose to keep the tradition up instead of breaking the cycle. I must learn self-discipline not to stir the pot, especially with the one person that loves me the most, my wife. I hate it when I am selfish and do not take into consideration her feelings. Why would I do things that cause hurt to others? It is a design flaw in me not only inherited but moreover allowed to grow by me. I have decided to change and as I look at things differently it is why I have not done this all along. Lazy and disrespectful come to my mind at first, but in essence, it is a choice. I chose to make the mistakes I did; I chose to be disrespectful to my wife at times, and lastly, I chose not to follow God’s path for my life.

Patience

I have been in a hurry my whole life. I have had little to no patience and my career trajectory only fed the beast. Websters defines patience as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. It enables us to analyze things and situations beyond their face value. It can bring inner peace and the ability to keep smiling despite challenges. For most of my career, many things came with a degree of patience. Because many things I did would not show results for some time. For example, the cutting of cost in an organization. It would take a while for the results to show if the measures worked. But when it comes to a decision at home with my wife, I give little or no time to listen to her at times. I had a farm for several years and I loved getting on the tractor and bushhogging. Bushhogging is a very mundane activity that entails driving in a pattern for hours on end until you finish. But, to look back and say, “Wow, I did that!” For the area to look clean meant the world to me. When my wife wants to do something to the house, I really do not give her the proper amount of attention to be heard. I feel many men do this and it is wrong.

A lack of patience arises when we do not get our way. Specifically, when people or our environment are not conforming to our expectations. A notable example everyone experiences is driving in traffic. Man, I can get ill when someone driving slowly gets in the fast lane. There is nothing I can do, but somehow, I think by yelling or riding their bumper I can change the situation. As usual, I am wrong. My impatience has caused many tragedies in my life to occur. It is hard to control situations in your life like the one I am going through now with the Government. Being left in the dark has been extremely hard for me and allowing other people to dictate my future has driven me crazy at times. Patience puts us in direct control of ourselves. And there is no more powerful aid to success than self-possession. When we are patient, we give ourselves time to choose how to respond to a given event, rather than get emotionally hijacked by our emotions. It allows us to stay gathered no matter what is happening. Impatience will turn us into anxious and stressed people who tend to always see the negative side of each situation. Being impatient will lead to a negative attitude and constant complaining. This blog is an attempt for me to take ownership of my faults and mistakes.

If we are honest, most of us would admit that one of our least favorite words is patience. In a “me first” society, we can often get what we want, when we want it. Our natural desire to be selfish only seems to be magnified by our surroundings. So, it should not be a surprise that the message of patience is impossible to find in our culture. For those of us who have placed our faith in Jesus, however, patience is the fruit of God’s Spirit at work within us. That seems easy enough to follow, doesn’t it? Being patient is a virtue that few are born with and some, like me, have not mastered. For those who fall somewhere in between this broad spectrum, there is hope. The Bible says, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” Exodus 14:14.  I have read this verse many times, and it is still hard for me to comprehend. Is it because I think I have given my problems to God but taken them back so many times because he is not working fast enough for me? Once again, I failed miserably. About a month ago, I made some promises to my wife to listen and give her the respect she deserves. I have already faileds, but I have continued to correct my ways and I am honestly trying to do better. As I am awaiting sentencing, I have been on the news a lot. It is a hard pill to swallow when people that do not even know you talk about you. Of course, like any ongoing investigation, there is only a limited amount of information that has been released. But people continue to draw conclusions and practically destroy your reputation and psyche. As Exodus 14:14 reads, “You need to be still.”  Man, it is hard not to get on Facebook and let people have it. It is also hard to get kicked when you know so much about someone else. The flesh wants me to set the record straight and tell everyone things other people have done. However, as my wife states, “That is God’s job.” My job is to be humble and know God is in the fight.

As virtues go, patience is a quiet one we all seem to forget. It is the first word that comes to mind when I think of the many qualities of Jesus. As I face the uncertainty of what is going to happen in my life, I have prayed to God multiple times a day for the same thing to deliver me. At times, I would be lying if I thought my prayer was not being heard. I know this is wrong because God does not leave us, we leave him. The other day I heard a sermon that spoke about his patience. I never thought of it in the way the preacher laid it out. When Jesus was a baby did it make him any less than he was when he was twenty-three? No, he was still the loving powerful God. How long did it take for Jesus to be announced to the world? It took thirty years. What makes me think I do not have the time to wait? I am selfish. I expect him to guide me through these troubled times in a hurry and not let me suffer anymore. The fact of the matter is it has been 3.5 years and this flesh at times does not see an end in sight. I see people who have done many of the same things I am being charged with and they are not even in trouble. How is that fair? I have thought if the public knows what I know would they be so critical of me? Probably. This process has taught me people like talking about others they do not know. I have found myself being less critical when I hear something about someone because I do not know the whole story. It is easy for us to think we know the whole story, but the reality is we should know better. It has been hard for me to lie still. The Lord is our fierce protection always. We just need to lay low, stay tranquil, and believe whatever happens is His will.

Encouragement

Life hits you hard and the enemy has come to lie, cheat and steal. We must learn to be able to encourage ourselves first before we can encourage others. As I stated in my first post, I spent the better part of 1.5 years in the house feeling sorry for myself. I continued down a path of giving my problems to God and then taking them back. Wow. What a rollercoaster ride that will not end. I found it hard to keep my spirits up and stop worrying about my future for so long. I have hired some consultants to help me through my sentencing and they have brought so much life back into me. Understand that no one can help me until I start helping myself.  I got to continue encouraging myself by spending more time talking and not listening to myself so much. When we listen to ourselves, we are listening to the flesh which is easily manipulated by Satan. We go to church hoping to get encouragement. We are seeking this encouragement from those there and yet we are the only ones that hold the key to our happiness. No matter what we are facing or whatever tomorrow looks like, God is still God. I must remember there are things the enemy has stolen from my life. But God has taught us so many times throughout the Bible he is going to let me recover. A great example is the Book of Job.  I look back at the old person I was and how selfish I was striving to push the envelope to get to the top. For what? When life hits you hard and the enemy has burnt everything to the ground, we must learn to encourage ourselves to keep our focus on God and know he has a better plan for our life. As I write this, I still have doubts and I really should not. I should embrace my own words and know tomorrow is going to be better. But the flesh keeps getting in the way. But I have decided I am going to encourage myself more and make myself stronger so that I can encourage others around me. Overall, we help others by setting an example rather than telling them the example. I have been shifting my vision to the horizon, rather than watching my feet. This is extremely important as I look to continue to grow and let go of those things that may limit my ability to do so.

Be Real Concerning My Emotions

A few weeks ago, I decided to be real with my emotions and try to prepare those around me to be resolved in what may happen to me. I feel I will be sent off to prison for my mistakes. How long? I do not know yet. However, I have compartmentalized the fact that I am not going to be in control of my life. I have been trying to prepare my mind to understand I am going to be placed in some extremely uncomfortable situations. I have also prepared my loved ones to emotionally be without me for a while. Honestly, I am more worried about their state of mind than anything. Moreover, I pray my wife has friends and maybe people we were not even counting on to bless her in ways that help her overcome this event in our lives. I want my family to come to the resolution that I am going to be fine, and God will see me through this situation. There is always a season for weeping. I have wept for more than 3 years. I am tired and I have gotten peace from God that I will be okay. The grief I have had needed to be dealt with and me placing my head in the sand and running from my outcome is not favorable. We too often let things build and fester in our lives, relationships, and even family. Folks, we are wrong to let this happen. You have to deal with issues now or later, but life will not get better until you understand the outcomes, learn from your mistakes, and how to get better. I deal with this daily. I have explained myself several times and now even on this Blog, but I still have those instances that catch me off guard. For instance, my wife and I were looking at cars the other day and the salesperson kept telling me you look familiar. I have seen you somewhere before. I thought about saying yes you saw me in the paper or on the news. But I bit my tongue and let him speak. I know that was a way Satan still jabbing at my emotions. I rose above it and let God manage the situation of course with my wife’s help.

Rehearse Past Victories

Like the salesperson situation, I had to tell myself my life is better because God has stepped in so many times before and given me a successful outcome. When the enemy has seemed to checkmate our life, tells us our marriage is over, or our life is over we must recall God has already saved us so many times before. Why would he not do it again? We got to check ourselves because God has never left us or dropped us as friends may have in the past. We leave him. It is our flesh that gets in the way of being happy and enjoying the things God has done for us. As I discussed in my first blog, it was hard for me to understand why so many people left me. As I was on my knees at the altar rededicating my life, I realized that God never left me. I left him. Would I be in the same predicament if I never left him? I would say no. When the flesh says God has forgotten you. The enemy is lying. I rejoice in his word found in Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave thee or forsaken thee.” Even before I came back into the fold, God was looking after me. Worldly things just blinded me.

Remember You Are Under Divine Protection

It took me a long time to realize that nothing comes to me before it goes through God first. I refuse to think God is going to let me down. I have given too much power to attorneys, prosecutors, and the FBI. It has taken me a long time to understand that these people are merely pawns in God’s plan for me. My God can open and close doors. I have not always praised him when he has opened doors that benefit my life. Boy was I wrong. This experience has taught me to thank him for the trivial things in life a lot more. I have never really given thought to the doors he has closed other than the disappointment I felt. Today, I want to thank him for closing those doors because I know he has a better plan for my life. I have been a terrible Christian. As I discussed earlier, I have spent too much time listening to myself instead of talking to myself. My God is powerful and forgiving. I need to stop telling God how big my storm is because my God is larger than any storm.