What To Do When There’s Nothing Left

A lot has happened in my life, and I decided to create this blog to help me express myself and share my journey with a larger audience.  Moreover, it is a place for me to search forgiveness for my shortcomings while holding Jesus’ hand. I was listening to Nick Saban the other and he stated, “Hard situations make hard people and soft situations make soft people.”  I pondered on this statement for several days. I thought he is absolutely correct. The trials and difficult things we face in our lives can have an everlasting affect on who we become. I don’t want my shortcomings to dictate who I am. I want to take this situation and become a better son, father, and most of all husband.  

The Devil is After Me

For my first post I am going back into my journals to share with you some life changing events that occurred in December 2019 and January 2020. This was the first and last time the devil visited me. To this day, I still get chills thinking of these occurrences.

In my journal, I write, I do not understand why the devil has been on me so hard lately. He has placed so much doubt in my head that I do not see any hope for my life. I have often thought the world would be a better place without me. My children and wife would be better off. But I also realized God is allowing me to go through these trials because they hold a purpose in my life. Last night, while I was sleeping, the devil visited me.  I had been staying at my parents’ house clearing some land I bought and helping them. As I slept, I could see the room around me. The only issue was my eyes were completely shut. I remember seeing a blob looking shadow hovering over me lying in the bed. I could feel his weight holding my body in place keeping me from moving. I felt this mysterious shadow staring through me and my soul. He kept approaching me and the closer he got the harder it was for me to breathe. Eventually, the shadow was lying on top of me. The harder I struggled the more he laid on me exerting dominance over me. I suddenly woke myself up crying, kicking the beast, and shouting. I can remember how scared and confused I was and that feeling still haunts me today. I do know that it was real. I know some people do not believe in God, or the devil. Let me tell you, they are both real. I was visited that night. For the next week or so everything I touched turned sour. I kept going to church and was trying to do the right thing, but I felt empty inside. I was at a tipping point where I could continue down the narrow path that led to Jesus or just give up and fall back to my old ways like I had done so many times in the past. I told Amy about the dream, and she was very comforting. She told me that God is in your life now and the devil realizes he is losing you and he cannot stand it. The more I thought about that it was so true. I had been going to church, I stopped drinking, and changed my friends. I had been working hard to build my relationship with Amy back and rededicated my life to Jesus. I had finally realized the worldly things were just the devil’s enticement to keep me under his control. His deceptive lies only compounded my problems. I knew in my heart as I turned my eyes upon Jesus,  the devil was going to attempt to derail the change that was occurring in my life. I told my parents and my sister about the dream and they all told me it is the devil trying to hold me back. As I was clearing land on my bulldozer, my sister went into my bedroom. I had left a pair of boots sitting at the end of the bed. She said, “God told her to grab those boots and pray.”  Debra told me that as she prayed, she felt an unnatural feeling in the room, and she knew it was evil. As the eerie feeling in the room grew, she prayed harder for God to relieve me from the devil’s grasp. As the tears rolled down her face, she told me that she believed the devil did not want to let go of me. Later, my parents and others prayed in the room, and I never had him visit me there again.

I finished working at my parents and traveled back to Florida in January 2020 to spend time with the kids and my wife. A few days passed, and as Amy and I lay asleep in the bed,I was visited yet again by the devil. Unlike the last time, he suppressed my voice and began smothering me again. I tried to cry out and the words would not come. It was like my voice was paralyzed. Fortunately, Amy felt me tossing and moaning and woke me telling me I was okay. I explained to her what had happened. She confirmed what we thought before, the devil was trying to hold onto me. Amy and I held each other praying to God that night and rebuking the grip of the enemy in Jesus’ name. Till this day, when I feel the enemy prowling around like a lion, I say aloud “In the name of Jesus flee!”  I know without a doubt that the devil believes in Jesus and will obey. An example of their fear and willingness to understand Jesus as the ultimate king, we can review Matthew 8:29. It states, “And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? Art, thou come hither to torment us before the time. The devil left that night and has not come back to me. That was his last attempt to continue his grip on my life.

My First Encounter with the FBI

The FBI arrested me on November 19, 2019. I had heard rumors about an FBI investigation, and I was in denial. I was moving on with my life, but there was a reason God had been dealing with me. I had prayed that the situation would just go away. When I was arrested it was like being in a bad dream, but every day I woke up the situation remained the same. Today, I would not think this would consume my life now for more than 3.5 years.

It was a beautiful fall day. I was in Alabama consulting with a car dealership. It also was an incredibly special day; it was mine and Amy’s fourth anniversary. As I worked diligently at the car dealership sitting at a desk, I happened to feel people in the room I looked up and I had two FBI agents surrounding me. The FBI did not come alone, they had the local sheriff’s office with SWAT. I did not know what to think. I could see the confusion on the employees faces as my rights were being read to me. I felt very confused and scared. I will say the FBI agents were very professional. When they finished reading me my miranda rights, I had two requests. The first was to call my wife and let her know what was going on. The second was could they wait until we got outside before they handcuffed me. I will say they were accommodating to both requests. I called Amy and told her they were transporting me to Birmingham. Earlier that morning, my wife and I had discussed the possibility of me getting arrested today. The reason I knew was that another person who got indicted with me was out of state on vacation and he got a call from the FBI telling him to report to the local sheriff’s office. The FBI agents were very cordial and told me things about me I did not realize anyone would know. They also told me your parents have a lovely place and that is a nice camper you own parked on their property. I asked how you know the camper is at their home. They said, “We flew over their home two days ago in a helicopter.”  We finally made it to the federal courthouse in Birmingham where I was to have my arraignment. I was arraigned and let go the same day. As I sat in the holding cell before court, I told myself I needed to pray. I got on my knees and asked God to intervene and help me get through this nightmare. As I prayed, I heard the door to the cell open. I never stopped praying. As I finished, I stood up, wiped the tears from my eyes and went to court. After I was arraigned, I returned to my parents home. I was quiet most of the way home as I tried to digest what just happened to me. By the time, I went back to the car dealership that same afternoon the U.S. Attorney’s office had conducted a press conference and let the entire world know what I was being charged with, which at this time was twenty-six counts. All I could think of is what did I do to get all those charges. I read the paperwork they gave me from the courthouse. I thought there is no way this paperwork is correct. Someone is lying or does not know the whole truth. I spoke to the owner of the business I was working for, and we both decided it would be best I not return. I think the raid of his business by the FBI and the press conference was just too much for him. Frankly, I was not interested in anything but trying to get this situation resolved. It seemed the organizational change matrix was the last thing on my mind. Before I left his office that day, I asked the owner to pray with me. He obliged. We shook hands and I left. Less than a week later, I received a call from the owner. When I saw his number on my phone, I thought that he was calling to check on me. I was so wrong. He called to ask me to return two of the company shirts he had given me.  I was flabbergasted. I said sure and I made sure I personally delivered them the next day. At the time, I thought he was just being cheap and wanted to reissue them to another employee. Funny how God showed me I was so wrong.  That was my first encounter with someone treating me differently due to my situation. I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea being plastered on the news, and the amount of people in my life that would abandon me and distance themselves from me.

I traveled back to Florida and met with an attorney that handles a lot of criminal state cases, but not federal crimes.  He told me he really did not have the time. Which I respected and he said if he did it, he would have to charge me $100,000 or more. The number shocked me. I was like where am I going to produce that kind of money. I was already dealing with losing three homes and other property from Hurricane Michael. My funds were stretched already. How was I going to pay that kind of money? He did agree to help me find a reputable attorney though. I ended up retaining a lawyer from Pensacola, Florida. He is an older gentleman that had a lot of experience in federal cases. Our first order of business was to comply with the U.S. Government mandate to change my jurisdiction from Alabama to Florida.   My lawyer and I went to court in Tallahassee, and as I walked up the steps to the courthouse, I saw cameras and people with notepads. Little did I know I was going to be plastered on the news to the extent I have been. That is right, I have been on every tv station, paper, and so-called internet forum that is supposed to perpetrate the news so many times I cannot even count. At times, the truth is reported on, but this cascading FBI probe has a lot of moving parts and others are going to trial so there are many unknowns. But, they have to sell papers and get views. So, the story took different angles and has continued today. During this time, I was taking classes for a previous arrest for aggravated assault toward my wife. I have been going to a psychiatrist and psychologist since the event. It is hard for me to admit, but I  found out during this time that I was bipolar. I know what people think when you hear that term bipolar. But, for me it answered so many questions in my life. The way I had acted in the past, my parenting failures, and above all, the recent circumstance that occurred between me and my wife. After a night of drinking with friends, I pointed a gun at myself and then at my wife.  I left mad and drunk and drove around most of the night. I finally cooled down and returned to see that my wife had gone and spent the night with a friend. I went to sleep and woke up hurting bad in my chest. My actions, being bipolar, heavy drinking, and the stress of putting a city back together was wreaking havoc on my body. I went to the hospital, and they admitted me.  While waiting on a room I was approached by a sheriff’s deputy and handcuffed. The hospital moved me to a room away from everyone where I would be out of sight. I was handcuffed to the bed by the arm and leg all night. I was released from the hospital the next day. I had to go to court and I received 4 years’ probation for my transgressions toward my wife. My wife and I remained together and worked through our issues. I also promised to never drink again. The last time I drank alcohol was March 19, 2019. I am not going to say it has been easy, but with the support of my wife and God’s mercy I have remained sober.  I do not know how my wife forgave me; I really did not deserve her mercy. A lot of people know what happened, but very few knew that my wife had encouraged me to talk to someone and I had an appointment for over a month to see the psychiatrist in Dothan, Alabama. So, when I mentioned knowing I was bipolar meant so much to me I am being honest with you. Mixing my condition while abusing alcohol is not a combination that someone needs to do. It answered so many of my questions as to why I could just become extremely angry especially when I consumed alcohol. I had become a person I did not know.

On top of the probation, I had to take some domestic violence type classes. I was mad about having to take the classes. I felt they would be useless. Looking back, I was so wrong. If I had not made such bad choices, I would not be in this situation. I broke the trust my wife had in me.   I had a wonderful teacher. She broke down things and made me realize I was the problem. It came to the last day of class and it was just the teacher and I there that day. I was angry that day. Why? I really did not have a reason. Something told me to open-up to this lady, she and I talked about my situation much like I have been doing with you. When we finished, she said I could change my life and it sounded like I was taking the right steps accepting responsibility. She asked me if she could anoint me.  She pulled from her purse some anointing oil and rubbed it on my forehead. Then she prayed one of the sweetest prayers I had ever heard. It surprised me because she was praying over me like she knew me her whole life. She followed prayer with a big hug. She sent me emails with inspirational speakers on YouTube and scripture to read. The best scripture she sent me was the following:  2 Chronicles 2:17, “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the battle is not yours but the Lord’s take your position stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.”  I appreciated what she did for me. I started thinking everywhere I turned God was putting special people in my life. They were giving me blessings and asking nothing in return. My previous life I was always asked to do things for people. Why? Because I was in a place of power, and they needed a favor. Boy, they sure were good friends during that time. Funny when you need people in your life, but you are no longer in a position to help them, they become absent. As I continued going to church, brother Jason turned me onto a preacher named CT Townsend. I remember listening to a sermon he preached about being specific with prayer, thanking God while being careful not to take things for granted. That summed me up. I had successful careers, a healthy family, and accumulated a lot of treasures here on earth, but I had not advanced my soul any closer to heaven. I continued reading all I could and listening to his sermons. Finally, I listened to a sermon, and I recommend that you look for it on YouTube and listen to CT Townsend. It is titled “What to do when there’s nothing left?”  I have renamed this sermon, “The life of Michael.”  This sermon was preached with my situation and me in mind.

Abandoned by friends

What to do when there is nothing left. That sums up my life and where I had self-inflicted circumstances with my wife and now with the Government. I had nothing left. My money had been exhausted, our homes destroyed by the Hurricane, and “friends” had abandoned me. Yes, people abandon you. I thought I had a lot of friends, but they were nothing more than “drinking buddies.” Through this life changing event, I have closed my heart to certain people and for me that has been hard. As people abandoned me, I felt alone. Of course, I had my family and my wife, but those I thought were solid friends in my life had vanished. I would sit and cry missing people days on end and wonder why they would not call. I became severely depressed and sat in the house and did not go anywhere for more than 1.5 years. As those people slowly faded away in my life, here came God to the rescue again. He started placing people in my life that were nonjudgmental and loving. He put two preachers in my life, Chris and Mr. Tarvin, that I call friends. Unfortunately, Covid struck and took one of my preacher friends away about a year ago. God then started putting the notion in my head that I needed more family in my life. I am blessed to have many cousins. My dad comes from a family of twelve and my mom from a family of ten, but God rekindled and built a stronger relationship bond between my cousin, Jon, and I. He has been a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board when times have been tough. I know without a doubt God placed him back in my life for a reason. The reason is simple. I needed his strength and love. Jon, I hope you read this. I want to let you, and everyone else, know that I love and appreciate you more than anything.  

I have been dealing with the FBI and my attorneys over the last 3.5 years. My lawyer and I worked with the FBI and my charges were dropped to four counts. Currently, I do not want to go into what they are for or what I am facing because there still is a lot going on with the case. I will write more about my charges and what I am facing in the future. I cannot jeopardize anything at this time. I am a work in progress and so thankful that God is not finished with me. I want to publicly apologize to my wife and kids for dragging them through so much. She is genuinely a nice and kind person that had every right to give up on me, but she did not. She stuck by my side and has been a source of strength as I move forward. For those that know me, this was hard to write. I am embarrassed to let you know the things I have done and the choices that I have made. I also want to take this time to ask for your forgiveness. The old Michael has died, and I have been born again. I thank Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins. I love you, Jesus.

I genuinely would like to share my journey with you.  So, if you like please subscribe to receive my blog posts as I navigate through these rough times.  Moreover, I would love to hear from you, and any suggestions you can offer for me being a better person.